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  • Writer's pictureKristin Woodward

the cleanse: demonic day 3


that was yesterday. it was dark, y’all. like bona fide horror movie, topped with a slice of ancient-curse-style, to-the-bone wickedness dark. i was not myself. it’s pretty much a straight-up miracle i survived to write about it all. truth.

i mean, what on earth? i did this thing last year at about the same time — i remember well, because i was finishing up just in time to get laid off, belly up to the bar for something like 2 days straight (but who was counting?) and undo all the good i’d done. and that date’s anniversary is now on the horizon. point is, it was not that bad. i think i even did it better last year with stricter rules about eating more dark greens and crucifers (broccoli and Brussels sprouts, hello?).

so i’m not crazy. (okay, debatable, i know. but not in this instance.) i know what the wretchedness of a detox feels like. for me, it’s usually kind of like a cold that completely sucks because you know you are taking care of yourself and should feel effing fantastic. and that “detox flu” feeling is well documented. it’s especially prevalent in carb detoxing. but this is not what i suffered through for the first 3 days of this week. no sore throat, no stuffy/runny nose, no mild aches and pains. definitely not my usual schtick.

nope. what i had was complete and utter exhaustion, the kind where every single muscle in your body aches as if you’ve spent like 1,000 hours straight on the reformer and you can’t keep your eyes open past 7:30 pm to save your life. in fact, all signs point to the fact that you probably are actually dying, so you kind of say fuck it and just close your eyes. maybe death will feel better. but of course your family won’t actually let you die. or even sleep. so you somehow struggle through until 9:30. then you sleep like the dead (except for the totally bizarro dreams) for a solid, yet desperately brief 8 hours (because pre-K can’t wait). it is blissful. maybe this is heaven. even in the midst those bizarro dreams, some part of your shrunken little brain tells you hey, you might actually feel better tomorrow.

then you wake up. instead of feeling shrunken, your brain feels like it’s swollen. like it is literally taking up every nanoliter of volume your skull can possibly hold. and then 20 more. that saucy brain of yours is squeezing into size 4 jeans, when she’s really a 6 but there is nowhere for the muffin top to go, so it just presses up and up, unrelenting. it’s not exactly a headache. but you definitely feel spacey and a little surreal. pretty much everything is a little unclear. and this lasts for 3. solid. days. it makes showing up for the busiest work week ever a real delight. for everyone. focus is completely impossible, so forget about it. just try not to act too dumb. or too bitchy.

by day 3 of this shitshow, i was completely at my wit’s end. seriously ready to throw in the towel and scarf down Miss Girl’s leftover mac ‘n’ cheese from the pot, with a wooden spoon, bent over the stove like some kind of junkie. not cute.

but by the grace of gluten-free rice crackers, i resisted, rested and then somehow, i magically turned a corner. i awoke this morning, not 100%, but also not feeling 100% like death warmed over. no idea whether it was just the end of the worst phase of this and the most terrible toxins have been exorcised or whether it was the magnesium oxide i took after a little research into possible reasons why i was feeling so damn horrible (i.e. migraines, tumors, demonic possession, the uszh). thanks, Googles. turns out magnesium is easily depleted when you are flushing your system (a.k.a. peeing like a racehorse 24/7 from all the herbs you’re taking) and low levels can lead to brain fog, fatigue and some of the other maladies i’d been plagued with. boom.

so, problem solved for now at least. i was totally back to myself today. thank god. and i’m totally stoked that i don’t have to commit a complete cleanse fail and abandon this whole thing . . . quite yet . . . i’m strongly sensing there is a glass of Sauv Blanc out there that is dying to get in my newly-cleansed belly.

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